When you are going to the field as a missionary it can be very hard on your parents and close family. In many cases it is your parents who are worried the most. And there are always some family members who just can’t understand why you have to go away across the world where they think you will get some tropical disease or killed by terrorists. So other than praying for your family members, here are some tips on dealing with them and making your calling to missions much easier to handle.
1. Show your parents that you are willing to listen to them and that you care about how they feel and your relationship with them.
2. Include your parents in your decision making. Try not to surprise them with the news. Give them time to adjust.
3. Provide your parents lots of information–about the country you are going to, your preparation activities, your sending church or organization. Also help them with answers to the things parents worry about, like how you will you get medical care, how you will get off the field in a medical or political emergency, and how you will be financially supported.
4. See that your parents are involved in your training and preparation. If you have a shepherding group, invite your parents to a meeting or dinner to talk about their concerns.
5. Give your parents’ concerns and reactions serious consideration. God sometimes works through your parents to shape or delay your plans. Get good counsel from other mature Christians as you evaluate how to proceed.
6. Your parents’ lives are not going to be what they have expected. They won’t see you often and their grandchildren will grow up away from them. Your parents have some grieving to do, no matter how supportive they are of what you are doing. You need to understand this.
7. Do not try to argue your parents into supporting your plans. Instead, let them know that you are sorry that they have fears and sadness because of your plans. Learn to talk to your parents adult to adult (see the books Boundaries and How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Cloud and Townsend).
8. You may feel disappointed by your parents’ lack of support or you may feel that their reactions or objections are unspiritual. You may need to grieve this disappointment and accept it in order to have a positive relationship with your parents and still be able to go on with your life and plans.
9. Some parents are very supportive of their child’s missions plans but do not know how to deal with their own grief. Encourage your parents to have good connections with others, especially other POMs.
10. Help your parents learn to use technology to be able to stay in touch with you when you are overseas.
Why not create a free missionary website here to better communicate with your family back at home?
11. Say good-bye well. Spend time with your parents while you are preparing to go overseas. Build memories and connections.
© Cheryl Savageau and Diane Stortz, www.POMnet.org
Some related topics from POMnet.org:
* Ten Best Benefits of Being a POM
* Good POM Relationships with Adult Children
* How to Pray for Parents of Missionaries
* POMs Can Grandparent Great Across the Miles!
* Top Ten Tips for Parents of Missionaries
* Ten Tips for Getting Through the Holidays as a POM
This probably works the same backwards also. The retired generation seem to be heading off to the mission field in droves, sometimes to the confusion of their adult children. So, dad and mom, be sure to use some of these tips with us when you run off!
There is a good book called “Parents of Missionaries” that is very helpful in this area of parent/missionary relationship that I would highly recommend.
I am having a really hard time with my parents. They are very angry and have been extremely hurtful. I fear my children (10 & 7) are beginning to catch on. Christmas was very difficult…they have begun giving back things I gave them and demanding memoribilia back etc. When I try to talk they get upset. I sent them some books like “parents of Missionaries” they returned them to me. I feel as though I am grieving the loss of my parents. I don’t know what else to do or how to talk to them. I have prayed for God to be glorified. I have held my tounge and not lashed back, but it is getting very difficult. Does anyone have any suggestions???
Dear Jenny
I am sorry to hear that. You know, the Lord knows. It’s so hard to go against what your parents want especially when they say all sorts of hurtful things. What I try to remember is, the best witness you can give them is to not lash back. It is SO HARD. I have definitely lashed back and sometimes gotten bitter when I feel like people are against me for trying to follow Jesus. Keep your joy! It’s really hard for people to keep being against you when they realize “hey. This person is still happy! They are still enjoying their life! Despite all the crazy things I’m trying to do to control them!” You will teach them with your peace and joy that look, I love you guys but you can’t control me. Seriously. I’m following the Lord.
Love your sister in Christ,
Lisa Odaibo
I am only 16, and doing missions, has been calling to me for a long time now, since maybe I was like 13, the feeling does not go away. My mom is very supportive of my decision and understands that if I am feeling like this is something that I should be doing, then I should do it. But my dad does not like the idea of me doing this at all, he does not want me going into other countries. He wants me to wait till I am older (like 19 or 20). Everytime I bring it up, he does not want to talk about it. I am not going to give up, but I want him to understnd. This site is very helpful.
We’ll be praying for your father to come around!
My husband and I are having a great deal of difficulty with my son, who is planning on going to the mission field with his family to West Africa. We do not think this is a good thing for him to do in part because of the attitude we see in him. He has become very arrogant, manipulative, haughty and nasty to us because we will not support what he is doing. He has also been saying things that are misleading or are out and out lies. And we are very concerned. Things were said about us that were not true and when we contacted the organization he is with and he was confronted on it, it caused a big fight. So what do you do when you do not see the fruit of the Spirit in someone who is planning on being a missionary? He seems to be kind to everyone else except us just because we raise some very legitimate concerns not only about his behavior but safety issues and questions concerning the handling of finances by his sending organization. It is like he is appalled that we would even question the motivations of the sending organization. Please any guidance you could give would be helpful. KitKat
KitKat, we experiencing a similar situation with my daughter. Your story sounds so completely similar. Unfortunately, I don’t have much advice as our relationship with our daughter is becoming more strained. I wish I could offer you some advice. Hang in there!
My daughter wil be leaving probably with in a year to Africa with her husband and my three grandsons ages 11,9 and 1 yr. I am trying to be supportive and yet it hurts to say goodbye They are talking about being gone 5-7 years. The oldest grandson would be an adult and the baby would not even know us. She has set me up on skype already. I feel between now and when she leaves the only thing I can give them as gifts is money. Its like the holidays and special occassions are over for us. I think about all the “what if” things and persciptions my one grandson needs, and what about the kids glass’s, what happens when they want to come back and they are totally poor without means to even get back home. What if something aweful happens over there, we know that things happen to missionaries as well.. What about the cultrue shock both going there and coming back how will the kids do with these things. Just a lot of concerns from my end. Yet I know they have this desire to do something bigger then them.
Mary, thank you for your kind words. I wish that there was something that I could say to encourage you as well. Right now my son is in the process of getting their house ready to sell so that they can give the money to this organization for “safe keeping” to be used as additional support if they cannot raise support from churches. They will need this money for when they are in the mission field. I am also concerned about their safety, as this is a very unstable area. My grandchildren are 10, 8, and 5, two girls and a boy, they will be gone for 4 years at a time. We are also concerned that by the time we are retired in a few years, we may end up having to support them because they will have nothing left. Although they claim that this organiztion has a pension plan. When I asked for some information they got very defensive. Christmas was very difficult. Used to be that they would come and stay for at least a week or so and had a very good time, but this last year they stayed only 3 days and it was like they couldn’t wait to leave. They visited in May and my son was much better behaved than last time but it is still not the same. He now gravitates toward family members that never had time for him before, because they tell him what he wants to hear. This is all very upsetting and yet all I can do is pray for God’s will in this matter. Glad I can vent a little here, because if I mention this to some Christian people they cannot understand what is wrong with ME.
KitKat, Your situation sounds so very similar to mine. Our daughter and son in law sold their house at a loss, have given up jobs, etc. We are also concerned about them not having anything when they get back. Also worried about their safety. They are due to leave in a few months, including 2 grandchildren (both elementary school age). Christmas, as well as the kids’ birthdays, have all been extremely difficult. we have noticed a similar attitude towards others who don’t agree, especially with our SIL. It’s hard to believe people who don’t ‘practice what they preach’ can be appointed as missionaries. Wish I could contact you more, as I find comfort in knowing my situation is not unique.
I have been wondering if there is a website dedicated specifically just to this topic. I am not against anyone becoming a missionary as long as they are genuine in their calling. I cited to my son the scripture in Galatians 5:22-26 about the fruit of the Spirit during one of his irrational bursts of anger and he only got more angry. He later apologized but it was half hearted as he continued to explain why he felt called, and all but dismissed his bad behavior. When I contacted the mission organization because of what we were witnessing, I was told that they would look into it. They contacted my son about my phone call to them, and my son was furious. That’s as far as it went. They never called me back nor did they do anything as far as look deeper into whether or not they should send him and his family to the mission field. I too, wish that I could contact you as I think that it would be helpful to find others in our situation. We walk a very fine line here, because it could be interpreted as being, at best, unsupportive of our kids, or at worst, unchristian. Which, I believe, neither is the case. We want to support our children and we want to be caring and loving Christians, but we are not seeing much in the way of the fruit of the Spirit from our children who should be exemplary in their Christian walk, if they are to be witnesses for Christ in foreign lands. We have another problem with this and that is my son has friends who are already out there who had been working on them to go with them. To the point that this other missionary’s family here in the states, sent my son most of the money he needed to go and visit a year ago this last January. And then sent him additional money to go back this past January. The other missionary’s family is very wealthy. When I told him they were manipulating him, he insisted that it was all the Lord’s doing. I will pray for you, as I’m sure you will pray for our family. I want the Lord’s will in all of this, and I have to believe “all things work together for good, to those that love God and to those that are called according to His purpose.”
We have been living abroad for a while now and my parents now make a regular trek down here twice a year, and if financially available we go back to visit twice a year. We also call, and email more regularly then we used to in the states. Its an effort to connect a bit more while we are away. Great tips and advice! -Daniella
Just wanted to let you know that my son and his family are due to leave for West Africa in about a month. They have changed their mission board after finally seeing that it wasn’t as Christian as they thought. They had a hard time dealing with the original organization to make the change. Our relationship has improved and I have made peace with their decision. Everything else is in God’s hands. A word of caution to those of you who may be considering the mission field and going through a mission board. Check out the organization well before you sign up. Ask for things like a financial disclosure statement, salaries of the staff and executives, history, what is expected of you, references from currently serving missionaries and previous missionaries, what is their turnover for missionaries in the field, what kind of support services do they offer while serving in the field and after service, do they offer support for the families of missionaries stateside, do they work with other NGOs in the field and do they make that information available to their missionaries, what is their primary mission, contact information for family living stateside, medical facilities in the field and how they handle emergencies, what are their policies in dealing with complaints of improper behavior by mission staff and how do they scrutinize missionary applicants for criminal records. Do your research, my son’s first mission board did not give out financial information, this was a big red flag for me. Missionaries are required to raise their own funds and the mission board gets a percentage for operating costs. But you should be able to receive full financial disclosure of how that money is used and what the salaries are of the staff and CEOs. If they do not give that information, do not use that mission board. Also, they found out that their mission board had covered up a serious abuse scandal. You must remember that you are entrusting these people with your life and the lives of your family members, you are taking the biggest risk. Make sure that you are with an organization that can be trusted. May God’s Great Grace be with you all!
My son and his family have finally left for the mission field in Liberia. They were delayed from departing due to the Ebola outbreak last year. As of today however, Liberia has been declared Ebola free, much to my relief. I am still not wholeheartedly behind them going out there as I still see some things in their behavior that I am concerned about. But I pray that God will deal with them and their attitude. I am heartbroken, so I only hope that God will use this experience to educate us all.